Better
by t.A.T.u.l.O.Ve
Summary: After the events in Tokyo, Fai and Kurogane are having difficulties with each other. Fai is still angry with Kurogane for turning him into a vampire, and kurogane is frustrated with Fai's reluctance to move on.


Hello fellow fanfictioners! I hope that you enjoy my first ever fanfiction. I've wanted to do this for so long, but I have never had the courage to do it. I know that there are countless Fai and Kurogane fanfics out there, but I love this couple so much I made one anyways. : )

*As you all know I do not own Tsubasa or it's characters. I only love them. They all belong to the awesome ladies of CLAMP!*

*The song in this fic is called Better, by the artist Plumb. She is also very awesome. I thought the words went very well with Fai and Kurogane, so I borrowed it!*

I hope you all enjoy : ) p.s. Sorry for the horrible grammar and spelling! Please forgive me, I'm terribly dyslexic.

Better

Everything about Fai was a lie. He lived inside his delusional world of broken thoughts and dark memories.

For the longest time I have not been able to figure out the mage. From the first time I met him I knew that he was only half as sane as anyone normal. No one smiles that much, ever. I knew He was a lair about his past, and I knew he was lying about his reasons for taking this journey. I knew he had problems, but I knew I didn't care, at least I thought I didn't. That was until the world of Acid Tokyo. The day Fai became the single most important person in my life.

_You live inside a dream  
>Everything tastes so sweet<br>As long as it agrees with how you feel  
>You're dancing in your sleep<br>'Til all the eyes that look at me  
>awaken your anxieties<em>

I knew that after the events in Tokyo things would be different than they were before. However, this was not how I thought it would be, to tell you the truth. This is not how I thought anything would be. Sometimes I wonder if all this is a horrible dream that I can't wake from - not that it was fantastic before. Before it had also been sad, but in a different way. The mage then was so secretive and fake that it made me sick, and the princess was so sweet and smiling to anyone and anything that passed her by. The kid Syaoran, ironically seems to be the only one who has not had a complete personality flip. But it's not the kid, not anymore. He is someone else too, even though he still has the same goals in mind: to protect his beloved princess.

_Your face looks so green  
>When the sun is shining differently<br>And you're standing in the shade  
>'Cause face to face you're sweet<br>Like candy sticking to my teeth  
>But underneath so damaging<em>

Sometimes, I can't help but look around and think what the hell happened? I'm beginning to feel like I'm at my wits end with the mage. I know that Fai is sick. Not physically, but mentally. This world we are now in is full of modern technologies, as well as modern medicine, and from hearing and reading the symptoms of various mental disorders, I knew Fai needed help. I didn't give a damn about the technicalities about any of the mental disorders; all I knew was that Fai was his own worst enemy. If it was up to him, he would starve himself to death. But Since Tokyo, I made the decision to help Fai, for his own good. There was only one problem, the fact that the mage wanted nothing to do with me. How am I supposed to help someone when they won't let you near them?

I look over at the clock to see that it's past 7 in the evening, not that it really means anything to me, I'm not tired. After a long day of searching for the feathers in this world, the kids and manju were exhausted and already in bed.

I can't help but think back to the horrible fight I had with the mage the night before. It had ended with me holding him down and force feeding him by pressing my bleeding wrist to his mouth. I knew he would be disgruntled by the morning. You would think I would be used to this by now.

Every night it's the same morose ritual. I approach the mage to get him to do something that he'd rather not – to Drink my blood. No matter how much he fights it though, he always drinks in the end. Some nights he is so depressed that he just does what he's told so he can go isolate himself in his room; those nights are the easiest and the most difficult for me. I feel relieved knowing he has fed, but at the same time I worry that he might do something stupid. I walk into his room throughout the night to check on him. I usually stay until I can hear the sound of his rhythmic breathing, reassuring me that he is okay for the night. He tells me that he would never take his own life, but sometimes I wonder.

On the other hand, there are the nights where his temper is so bad that I can hardly go anywhere near him. Of course, like last night, I could tell it was going to be one of those nights. I knew that it was going to be that way from the first time I saw him this morning. The mage was still burning from what I had done the night before. He was irritated with everything I said, ignoring me, not looking in my direction as if he could will away the hunger by pretending to be human, pretending that I don't see the real him.

So tonight when it came for the time to feed the reluctant mage, I knew I was in for a night.

Fai was sitting out on the back porch of the little house we rented in this world, staring off at nothing in particular, as if pondering his own existence. The Sun had just sunk into the horizon, leaving a blood red sky. What an appropriate color, I thought; the color of blood. I stood in silence, watching him breathe for a brief few moments before I said anything. I wanted to collect my thoughts before I said anything to him. These days, Fai's emotions were like a roller coaster. One moment he was a live wire, talking a mile a minute to Sakura or the meat bun or anyone who would listen about everything, but not really saying anything, next you would have thought he'd just killed someone. He was like a zombie, alive but not fully there. It made me miserable to think how that must feel, to be _lost_. To think you are completely on your own.

Before I could say anything the mage turned around. The saddest look I had seen on his face all day was there. I could have sworn that I had seen an unshed tear in his eye, but it was gone before I could blink an eye. I thought for a moment that maybe he was going to give in early, and do what he was supposed to do, heh. I was wrong.

"Good evening, Kurogane." Fai was looking back away from me, the sound of discontent in his voice. These days my own name was like venom coming from his mouth. It stung me to my core to hear the way he spoke my name. What I would do to hear those stupid nicknames of the past.

I had already guessed that tonight was going to be like this. Fai was going to be difficult. Fun. I sighed before I began to speak. I really didn't want to do this with him. All I wanted was to feed him and go on. I was already starting to get angry.

"You feelin' sorry for yourself again." My voice sounded more bitterly than it should have. The mage was really starting to piss me off.

The mage then turned his head in my direction. He looked so pale in the soft twilight. He looked like the vampire he was.

"I suppose I am," he sighed. His face was blank and empty, yet cold. The only emotion I could see was in his only blue eye. Fai's eyes were like the ocean in that way. They showed the depths of his soul without him even trying. I had never seen blue eyes like his. Even with only one eye, you could see the deep despair within him.

"How long do you plan on keeping this up for, huh? I'm fuckin' sick of it." I was sick of this, why did he put himself through this?

The mage was looking at me with a heated glare now. He was getting up to leave when I caught the hem of the black shirt he was wearing. When he stopped I turned him by his shoulders to face me. Even as a vampire he was weak. I stared at him with as calm of an expression I could give. I really didn't want to fight him. He knows this, but he still does this even though he knows he will not win.

You're so afraid, so you try to break me

_I don't want to care_  
><em>And I don't want to hate<em>  
><em>And I don't want to see you fall too far away<em>  
><em>All because of fear<em>  
><em>'Cause when you're afraid<em>  
><em>You lash out at me<em>  
><em>When you say all the things that you never meant to say<em>  
><em>And try to break me<em>

"Why are you so difficult?" I could not hide the exasperated sound in my voice. His blue eye was piercing through me like a knife. I know he was doing this because he was angry with me. I knew this was some petty attempt to redeem what he thought he'd lost. He was always grasping at straws.

"Why am I so difficult?" Fai face was turning into a smirk. I wanted to smack it off his face. Maybe before Acid Tokyo, I would have. He was trying to piss me off.

"If I told you would you let me go?" His voice whispered with a small hint of desperation in it. I knew he hadn't meant for the desperation to show through. He had wanted to sound indifferent, but his true feelings were beginning to crack through his façade. He couldn't think I was going to let him go so easily after all this time.

"No, idiot mage, you know you have to drink. Don't make a scene in front of the kids!" I whispered loudly at him. Yes, I thought. Make a scene. Sakura will come out of her room and make you feel guilty. It had already happened, poor Sakura had walked in on this sort of situation not long after we left Tokyo. She gave Fai a calming, pleading look, and Fai drank. She always knew just how to look at the mage to get him to listen to me. He hated me for it though, not her. He would shout at me in anger and frustration and rage. I would let him in the beginning, thinking that it was only a matter of time before he would accept his new fate and move on. Of course, things never got better, only worse.

I try to be stern with him. I try to make him see how selfish he is, but no matter how hard I try I cannot manage to stay angry with him. Deep down, I know that I had hurt him.

"Kurogane, you're the one making a scene, not me. If it wasn't for you, I would not even be here, so really this is all _your_ fault, ne?" Fai's face had a stern look on it. He didn't look very well at all. He was very pale, and a shadow was forming under his one blue eye. I knew that he needed my blood soon.

"You never let me do what I want. You'll just force me against my will again." He was rambling now. I had to do it soon before he physically fought against me. It was hard to find ways to hold him still and get him to drink.

"Let's get this over with now. I don't care about your manic rants tonight. You need to drink and you need sleep; you have not had any in this world." He did need sleep; his rampant insomnia was making him weaker by the day.

"No." Fai looked deep into my eyes. "You can't tell me what to do as if you own me. I never agreed to any of this, and I sure as hell won't now." Fai broke away from my grip roughly. He was backing away slowly from me towards the house.

"I hate what you've done to me." Fai whispered. Of course you do, I thought to myself. How many times has this been said?

"You really are an idiot if you believe that I did all of this to hurt you." I was at a loss for words. I sounded like a broken record, repeating myself over and over again trying to prove myself to him.

I was beginning to see that I loved the man as much as I hated his character.

"Oh right, I forgot you did this for yourself." Fai turned to me, looking at the sky above. His eye was beginning to show tiny flecks of gold in the dying sunlight.

"What?" I growled. What the mage was talking about I had no idea. No doubt it his own delusional thinking turning on itself, twisting his thoughts. I didn't think I had heard this argument from him before. This was new.

"I suppose you just had to be the hero, ne?" He cocked his head towards me like a child. He took a shallow breath, probably preparing to say what he had rehearsed all day to me.

"What would it look like if you let a miserable wretch like me die?" He posed the question like it was a joke; his voice was upbeat and comical like the grin on his face. I had no idea what the man was talking about. So, he thought I did this for my own pride, did he? That was a joke, it had to be.

"Brave Kurogane Suwa, saving the pointless life of an idiot mage who doesn't even deserve to live in the first place. How noble of you to do so. To become the life source of a monster, an oni, like the ones that destroyed your home. Your princess Tomoya would be so proud of you." He stopped suddenly from the force of my fist across his face. He looked up at me with his hand on his cheek. The blow had been more of a surprise to him than anything. I didn't hit him as hard as I would have liked, if I had done that he would be unconscious.

Fai's look of surprise faded back into his look of mania. He laughed softly and smiled as if he had been expecting me to do what I did.

"I was wondering when you would do that!" He grinned at me, just like he used to. I almost lost it. I pushed him against the outside wall to the house with a thud, and stared straight into his golden-blue eye with the same rage that had been building since that morning. I could sense that he was starting to feel frightened; he was shaking slightly under me tight hold. Good, at least I had snapped him out of his manic episode.

"What the fuck is wrong with you! You think I would do this because I want anything from it! The only thing I have gotten from this, believe me, is a fucked up, miserable life." My voice was rising. For once, I hoped Sakura would not wake up. I needed to say what I was going to say. The mage was going to hear these things, even if I had to restrain him.

He stopped smirking as his eye became wide. He looked as though he was going to speak, but I silenced him with my words. I could tell that his thoughts were racing, just like mine were, he was struggling against me grip slightly. I held him still, I needed to get him to listen.

"Stop talking, you've done enough of that tonight." I lowered my voice to calm him down, he was shaking more now. He looked down to the ground, shaking his head slightly from left to right. He didn't want to hear anything I had to say. I continued anyway, he had to hear this.

"The only thing I do want from this is for you to get better. You don't understand do you? How much I care about you." He continued to shake his head until I softly placed my hands around his face. I forced him to look at me, holding his face up.

"I know what you're doin', you know." He continued to struggle slightly against my hold, in vain.

"You say those hurtful things to make me hate you, don't you? You're trying to get me to give up and leave you. Well, you better get this through your head now; I'm not goin' anywhere. Got that? If I left you would die, and I sure as hell will never let that happen."

The mage's face fell slightly as he looked at me. The same depressed look I'd seen earlier had returned. He had been trying to hide his sadness through blind rage, and it didn't work. Fai finally stopped fighting me and his body slacked. He was getting tired from the lack of blood, and from arguing. I loosened my grip as he started to slip down the wall until he was completely sitting with his back was against the wall. I crouched down to meet his gaze. He was staring out into nothing now, a tear silently running down his cheek. I could barely see him through the darkness now. The night had fallen around us. I took Fai's wrist in my hand and felt his pulse quicken slightly. He looked up at me and then closed his eye, releasing more tears.

"What do you want me to say? What do you want me to do? You want me to be happy that I'm like this? That I'm a monster? All my life all I've ever wanted is what you give me." He paused more a moment to wipe the tears from his eye.

"It's so ironic to me that I should have to hurt the one person I've always wanted."

"I'm so tired of hurting you Kurogane." He breathed in a little, taking his wrist from me. He was getting up to leave.

_But in the end, what leaves you broken  
>In the end, makes you better <em>

"Fai, please." My god, he actually told the truth. He had told me how he felt. Fai actually felt the same way as I did for him. With a rush of emotion I grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back again. Before I knew what I was doing I kissed him deeply on his lips. I had never kissed anyone like this before, with a burning passion that was real. I felt such overwhelming love for this man that it was hard to contain it. I wanted him in the worst way, and that made it so much more difficult when he admitted his true feelings to me. When I noticed he wasn't kissing back, I stopped.

Fai looked confused. "Why did you do that?"

All of the sudden my senses came back to me. What was I doing? No, damit! He had just said that he loved me right? I was showing him my love in return, that was all.

"I'm sorry, but I love you Fai." That was it. That's all I had to say. "That's the reason I've done everything I have for you. You should now that by now."

Fai didn't say anything else for a while. We sat there in a calm silence for a few moments until I decided to speak.

"You need to feed now. I can tell you don't feel well. You look paler than you usually do." I was trying to sound comforting to him, not demanding. I wanted him to actually agree to drinking, not fight like he always did.

Fai shook his head slowly in agreement before speaking.

"I will, but first can we go inside?" The darkness of night was now completely around us.

"Yeah." I helped him off the ground and into the house. I walked him into the sitting room and sat him down on the couch. I took out the small blade I had been pocketing for the occasion. With one slice, the blood flowed freely. For the first time since Fai had become a vampire, he fed willingly from me.

That night as I watched the mage sleep, I thanked all the gods wherever they might be for letting me have Fai. I knew that one day, when all of this was over Fai would be better.

_There is no strength in trying to break me, no_

_I don't want to care_  
><em>And I don't want to hate<em>  
><em>And I don't want to see you fall too far away<em>  
><em>All because of fear<em>  
><em>'Cause when you're afraid<em>  
><em>You lash out at me<em>  
><em>When you say all the things that you never meant to say<em>  
><em>And try to break me<em>

_But in the end, what leaves you broken_  
><em>in the end, makes you better<em>

_The End! Thank you so much for reading this! I hope you enjoyed it!_


End file.
